She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
