I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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