my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
