Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
