I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
