Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
