We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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