Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
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