why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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