So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
