Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
