I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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