and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
