do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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