Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
