hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
In other news, I just burned my penis
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize