just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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