Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
