So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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