Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Randomize
