you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I will be naked everywhere
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
