Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
