Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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