My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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