Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Randomize
