Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
