If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
