I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
