my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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