I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
