I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
