I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
