Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
