every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Randomize