so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
