Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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