She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize