If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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