Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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