i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Too much gin, very little bucket
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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