omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
