Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
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