I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
