This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
