You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
