Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
