we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Randomize
