I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
