Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
