Swine flu. Run for my life!
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
His nipple licking is glorious
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