You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
