I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Randomize
