Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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