ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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