Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Randomize