epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
