Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
