so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize