We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize