The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Houston, we have a squirter
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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