i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
