and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
