Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
