tell your sister to shave her snatch
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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