Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Randomize
