The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Randomize
