i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
